


The Catalogue of Dicks

by DachOsmin



Category: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, The Iliad - Homer
Genre: Achilles Has A Bad Time, Ass to Mouth, Begging, Blindfolds, Blood, Bondage, Cock & Ball Torture, Comeplay, Coming Untouched, Dominance, Double Penetration, Edgeplay, Forced Feminization, Gang Rape, Gangbang, Historical Inaccuracy, I'm sorry Fagles, M/M, Object Insertion, Pastiche, Punishment, Riding, Rough Sex, Sex Toys, Shame, Shaving, Spitroasting, historical porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:21:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25026889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DachOsmin/pseuds/DachOsmin
Summary: Translator’s note: fragment found folded inside in a cooking urn outside of Derveni, possibly a copy of an earlier original. May have originated as a later-era parody, as the themes explored are highly out of step with the canonical text.
Relationships: Achilles/The Entire Greek Army
Comments: 29
Kudos: 150
Collections: Nonconathon 2020





	The Catalogue of Dicks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elpollodiablo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elpollodiablo/gifts).



[1.1] And so […] decreed that Achilles should be punished by all of the Achaeans there assembled.

[1.2] First came the Boeotians led by Leitus and Peneleos. Now, Achilles was proud and ill-accustomed to suffering beneath the whims of others. So when the Boeotians prepared to have their way with him in so base a manner, he let loose his mouth and cursed them all, until they were most wroth with him. They convened a counsel and discoursed upon what to do. It was Peneleos who, in his wisdom, contrived a plan to punish him. They trussed him up with the leather of his own armor, and once he was bound fast they laid him down in the dirt and pulled his legs apart so that his entrance was exposed to the air. Then each and every soldier brought out their swords, and then spanked at his hole with their scabbards until it was as red as dawn’s rosy fingers, and plumper than the plumpest pears from the Boeotians’ bountiful orchards. And through it all they kept his mouth stuffed with the cock of one soldier or another, so that he could no longer curse or abuse them, merely struggle in vain. Only once his hole was well abused in this way did they make use of him, fucking him one after the other until their seed overflowed from his entrance, frothy and white like the tips of ocean waves.

[1.3] The Minyans who lived in Aspledon and Orchomenos: Ascalaphus, Ialmenus and all their men, came next. These two great heroes breached Achilles together, one fore and one aft. One would thrust into his ass and the other into his mouth so that he was trapped betwixt them like a stuck pig, forced to take everything they gave him with no measure of mercy or relief. They fucked him to completion thusly. Then, once they were roused again, they took him jointly, both members together in him, so that the thrust of one would rub against the member of the other within him, driving a cry from all three. So great was the power of the two, working in tandem, that Achilles was made to spend from their fucking alone, with not a single touch of his cock. And then all the Minyans came after and followed the example of their leaders.

[1.4] Then Schedius and Epistrophus led the men of Phocis in fucking the hero. They hated Achilles for his pride, and so agreed to humble him. They worked over his shaft and his stones with well-placed slaps and pinches, crowing at his sounds of pain, until his eyes were starry with tears and he begged for an end to the torture, begged to be fucked and filled with their seed, if only it meant the torment would end. And in their mercy the men of Phocis obliged, and fucked him one after the other, in a great chain, until the seed overflowed him and ran down his inner thighs in a great stream. The warriors found this wasteful, so they gathered the seed up and fucked it back into his loose and sloppy hole with their fingers, until he nigh bulged with the volume of it.

[1.5] Next the Locrians led by racing Ajax, son of Oileus, took their turn. Ajax fucked Achilles well and hard, and bellowed as he spent inside him. In the aftermath Achilles made to lie down. But said Ajax, I wish to have thee more than once, but I am not yet roused enough to attempt it. And so Ajax bade Achilles to kneel before him and suckle at his softened member with his proud tongue, until Ajax stood erect enough that once more he was eager to fuck the hero’s ass. He did so, and once his seed had dried on Achilles’ thighs he repeated the cycle. Only after his fifth peak did he allow his men to have a turn.

[1.6] And the men who held Euboea came next, led by Elphenor. Elphenor roused Achilles with his hand and his mouth, until the proud hero was stiff and erect, altogether against his will. And then he gathered his men and made sport with them, laughing and jesting at the size of the hero’s member and the response of his body. Look, said Elphenor, and see how desperate this so-called hero is. See how he whines like a bitch in need of mounting, or a whore desperate to be fucked. And the Euboeans agreed, and leaned in to ply at Achilles’ shaft with the occasional caress so that he stayed erect, but gave him no more pleasure than that, so that before long Achilles was twisting in his bonds, out of his mind with unslaked lust. Before long he fell into tears and pleas, and only after he begged the Euboeans for their seed did they take pity on him and fuck him to completion. When he finally spent his shame was great, for he had debased himself in begging for release.

[1.7] Next came the sons of Athens. Now they were a crafty folk, and they had brought with them from fair Athens, beloved of Athena, a clever contraption, fashioned from smoothest agate. It was made in the image of a man’s phallus, but larger than any mortal’s member on this earth. They fucked Achilles with it, and the myriad of bumps and ridges carved into the shaft knocked against the hero’s inner parts, tormenting and pleasuring him terribly until he spent over and over and over again, from the workings of the toy alone. When the Athenians tired of such sport they removed the phallus from his ass and bid him fellate it with his mouth. His jaw struggled to accommodate its girth, but he worked at the task admirably, until his lips were slicker with spit than a whore’s cunt. For a time the Athenians fucked him with their own members as he worked thusly, and when they had all spent they fucked him with the hilts of their swords as well.

[1.8] Ajax the greater, out of Salamis, was next with his men. They spent several days with the hero, training him to better serve their desires. They affected two changes in Achilles. First, they frigged him with diverse implements of great girth, sometimes fucking him vigorously, sometimes leaving the objects within him for many hours, until he moaned and cried for their removal. The result was that he became well accustomed to taking inside himself that which any other man could hardly bear. Second, the Salamisians affected in him a curious response: when they fucked him, they would give him no relief unless they said a special pass phrase, and in time the phrase and the sensation of the hero’s peak became inextricably linked, so that the Salamisians had but to say the word and Achilles would spend all over himself, cursing him all the while. In this way they passed the time, finding it to be wonderful sport.

[1.9] Then came the Argives: those men of Argos, Tiryns, Hermione, Asine, Troezen, Eiones, Epidaurus, Aegina, and Mases. Diomedes was their leader. They fashioned for the hero a great rack, like the loom of a noble lady in its height and sturdiness. The beams were hewn from proud beeches, and in the center post a hole had been carved, so that the Argives could fix Achilles in place by his neck. There they kept him, limbs tied lewdly apart and stripped bare, so that any member of their host might go to him and satisfy their lust upon his body as the need arose. They kept him thusly for several days, with his eyes bound with black cloth so that he could no more predict when next he might be breached than a man might predict the whims of the gods. At last all had had their chance to sport with him and they took him down from the rack. They then took themselves in hand, working themselves to their peaks, and then spent across his face and chest and thighs as a parting gift.

[1.10] Next the army of Mycenae, the greatest of all the Greeks assembled, led by Agamemnon in gleaming bronze. Agamemnon gripped Achilles hard by the chin and said thus: thinkest thyself the greatest of the Greeks in strength and beauty and virtue. But see now: art naught but a whore, and like a whore I’ll use thee. And he fucked him then, face crushed into the Trojan dirt and ass in the air, so that all who saw would know which of the two was dominant, was king. And after, his men did the same.

[1.11] Next came those who dwelt in the ravines of Lacedaemon, haunted by wild doves. And Menelaos, husband spurned, was their leader. Now Menelaus said to the hero: I have no wife at hand with which to sate my lusts. So thou shalt have to serve in that self-same role. And true to his word, Menelaus had his men curl the hero’s hair and paint his face, and then drag the edges of their knives over the planes of his body so it was altogether shorn of hair, and he was as smooth and soft as a maiden. Then, and only then, did Menelaus make to fuck him. He was gentle, but there was cruelty in his affect: he forced sweet kisses on the hero’s lips, planting them in a mockery of love, holding Achilles’ chin tight so that he could not escape. And in the wake of their coupling Menelaus left the hero in the bower of his tent, and gave his men leave to have their turn as well.

[1.12] On the heels of the Lacedaemonians came noble Nestor and his soldiers, those men of Pylos and Arēne, Thryon and Aipy, Cyparisseis and Amphigenea and Pteleum, Helos and Dorium. Now Nestor said, in his venerable wisdom: I am no young man to match thee in strength; I cannot swive thee with the strength that others have. So instead he reclined in his tent, and bade Achilles kneel above him and ride him, and thusly they played at Aphrodite’s game until both had spent: Nestor deep in the hero’s ass, and Achilles across his own belly. Then Nestor bade Achilles service the rest of his men, but allowed his men to choose the manner and method in which they took the hero.

[1.13] Then those they called Arcadians, under the command of Agapenor, had their turn with the hero. They were greatly wroth with him for his behavior and felt the others had been too gentle in their ministrations, and so they worked their revenge upon his body. By the strength of their arms in concert they overpowered him and drove him down into the dirt. There they held him, jeering and crowing, as he struggled against their combined might to no avail. Then they fucked him, hard and rough, as one might handle a beast not yet brought to bit. In his pride Achilles did not moan or cry out, even when their ministrations tore at his flesh so that their way was slicked by blood. The blood coursed down his thighs, mixing and co-mingling with Arcadians’ seed, until the ground beneath the hero’s knees was drenched with it. And still they fucked him, over and over until the pain was too great for him to bear, and he swooned beneath them.

[1.14] Next were the Epians of Elis, led by four great warlords: Amphimachus and Thalpius, Diōres and Polyxenus… [illegible]…

**Author's Note:**

> Introductions borrowed from Fagles. Apologies that the fragment cuts off before the whole army has their turn, but Achilles was getting tired.


End file.
